Today, we watched Disney’s ‘The Lion King’. When I say ‘watched’, usually it means that my two-year-old likes to see all the animals in the opening sequence and then loses interest. We have yet to actually watch it as she is so young. Today, however, after the first song was over she carried on looking. She learnt more character names and was asking questions, then she lost interest for a while but it continued to play and then she regained interest again at the point of Mufasa’s death. She looked at Simba crying and it upset her. She told me he was crying, pointed to her own eyes and said ‘get him tissue’. I agreed that he needed one. She then smiled and said, ‘he better now’, as in her own head, that tissue that had wiped away his tears had made everything else ok. She could see nothing but the obvious and knew that once that was sorted he would be better. Obviously children her age cannot see nor understand about emotional wounds, and to her, the answer to what was visibly wrong was to get him a tissue. It got me thinking about how much she had yet to learn and about how much I didn’t want her to lose that innocence. But it also got me thinking about God. In Matthew’s Gospel it says, ‘unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven’. (Matthew 18:2) I know this can mean humility, purity and innocence, but it made me think today of complete and utter trust in The Lord that everything is going to be ok. Children don’t worry about things because they don’t have to. They are hungry, someone feeds them, they hurt themselves, someone makes it better and for the most part they can get on with their lives knowing cuts will be mended and messes will be cleaned up. Maybe this is an example of how we are supposed to be with God, our Heavenly Father. What if we stopped worrying about everything and put our trust in Him, letting Him be the one to clean up and mend things and heal us when we hurt? Instead of trying to do everything ourselves, what if we let Him take the lead? It can be difficult, especially in today’s world, so much can and does go wrong. But there is nothing, absolutely nothing that God cannot fix. So why don’t we let him? Maybe we could try to be more childlike and depend on Him rather than ourselves. Maybe we could see things the way children do and have complete faith and trust in the one who cares for us. And maybe if we need Him and if we let him, God may just ‘get us a tissue’ and everything will be alright!
A Successful Day
Have you ever got to the end of the day and started asking the question, ‘what hasn’t been done today?’
I do it frequently.
My list usually resembles something like this; the washing hasn’t been put away, some of it hasn’t even been folded, the pans haven’t been washed, the bathroom sink hasn’t been wiped, the bath toys haven’t been taken out, the girls’ toys haven’t been tidied away, the kitchen floor hasn’t been swept, the dining table hasn’t been cleaned, the nappy bin hasn’t been emptied, you get the idea.
Last night when I was mentally addressing these issues, something occurred to me; why was I being so negative? Why was I always focussing on the things that hadn’t been done? Thinking of jobs I wished I had more time to finish was pretty depressing, so why was I allowing them to dominate my mind? Instead, I asked the question, ‘what has been done today?’ And the answer was a lot more satisfying.
Housework aside, what had been done was a longer list, not to mention a more important one!
‘What has been done today?’
I gave my baby a piece of solid food for the first time. She is used to being spoon fed now but this was different, this was bigger, this was something she could touch and control by herself. I witnessed concentration on her sweet little face, I saw a sneaky look of satisfaction there as she managed to place the food in her mouth.
I was nervous, excited, proud, all in the space of five minutes. Something worthwhile had been achieved.
I played in the garden with our two-year-old, I concentrated on her and only her as we watered flowers and drew chalk pictures on the floor, all while baby slept. That was another thing I had done, I had managed to sync their routines up nicely, at one point they were asleep at the same time so I even got some writing done.
I introduced our eldest to her first ever ice-cream cone from the ice-cream van, I watched her delight at the entire experience, from giving some ‘pennies’ to the man, to biting through the chocolate flake with pleasure.
And they were the slightly bigger things that I thought of, when I made my list last night there were many more. I laughed with my girls as they rolled about on the play mat, I sang with them as we got dressed, I enjoyed watching my baby giggle at her big sister and watched with a tear in my eye as they had a little cuddle.
We chased, we tickled, we ate together, we read, we danced, we played and we chatted. I spoke with my husband when he finished work and after we had put the girls to bed we made plans for the weekend over a glass of wine.
My list of what I had done was very long and I could probably add more to it. More than that, it made me smile, it made me proud and it made me realise that I had been doing it all wrong. Whatever I hadn’t finished at the end of the day would wait. When I made my new list, I knew that no matter what my house looked like, it had two little sleeping beauties in it and our day, with all we had accomplished, had been a success!
Baby cuddles! :)
Last night I fed my baby to sleep. Yes, I know, it’s against everything the baby experts tell us and could have potentially undone all the work we had put in to get her to self-soothe, but she needed me and I couldn’t resist. It’s all very well following ‘the rules’, and it’s easier said than done to stick rigidly to every routine when it comes to bringing up children. Try as we might, sometimes even what we are told is best for them, isn’t. We had done everything right, our bedtime hour for her and her sister had consisted of bath, feed and story. We said our prayers, sang some songs and put them both in their cots. Ten minutes later, one girl was asleep, the other was screaming. I tried to bring up her wind again, that wasn’t the problem, she was just upset. The usual conundrum was running around my head. Do I pick her up, or leave her to cry? Is she crying with tiredness or because she doesn’t want to be left alone? Will it upset her routine if I pick her up? All the usual questions whenever she is unsettled. But when she pushed herself up on her arms, looked at me with big, beautiful, sad eyes and her little bottom lip curled downwards, I threw all of those questions out of my head and just picked my baby up for cuddles. Sometimes, the rules don’t matter. Sometimes, we can tell what they need more than the baby books can and sometimes, little babies just want their mummies! She cried for only five minutes but it was too long. I held her, I fed her, and I watched her fall asleep. I was what my baby needed and I’m glad I listened to my heart. And do you know what? She can still get herself to sleep and her routine has not been affected. I treasure last night’s cuddles and I’m happy I broke ‘the rules’. 🙂
Stepping back
We were at our local playgroup this morning where our eldest is used to going and where she has been engaging in solitary play alongside other children for over a year. This morning was the first time I really noticed a difference; she was beginning to interact. I think this is quite a scary time for a mother, it’s one of the first steps to letting your child go. She is only just two, it seems so young, however, it is something that she has to learn. I suppose it’s something all children must learn, the idea of dealing with other children and sharing toys, but this morning it struck me, it is also a learning curve for me. My instinct when I saw another child take her dolly from her was to rush over and snatch it right back. Same as when a little boy took her sun hat from her head in the outdoor area, I wanted to tell him ‘no, don’t be mean!’ and give it back to my baby. There were several occasions where I just wanted to scoop her up in my arms, give her a cuddle and tell her it would all be ok and part of me knew she’d be safer at home. But I was learning. I was learning to sit back and see how she would react to a given situation, I was learning to watch from the side-lines and not intervene. Unless my daughter was in any real danger, I had to train myself to stay where I was, no matter how much it hurt me to see her upset I had to learn when it was ok to act and when it wasn’t. It was one of the longest and hardest mornings of my life, yet also one of the most rewarding. She was happy! At home afterwards she talked about how she liked playgroup, how she had wrapped her dolly up in a blanket and put her to bed, how she had played on the slide and how she had sung songs. At one point during the morning I saw her actually playing with some other girls on the slide and she also shared a bike with a little boy. All these new experiences are necessary yet terrifying and I am learning how to deal with it; how to deal with my baby not being a baby anymore, how to deal with her potentially being upset by other children and how to deal with her learning how to interact with them. Of course she is still very young and of course when she calls ‘mummy’, I will be there. But she is growing up and developing from my baby into a child; a child who will speak to others, a child who will play with others, a child who will laugh and cry and hurt and sing, a little person with her own character who, while helped along by us will also have to do things by herself. And while she is learning I am learning too, right by her side as she develops and grows, and hoping and praying every day that she’ll be alright.
Unpredictable
We all know that children can be unpredictable, no matter how much planning goes into an event or an outing, something will happen which we didn’t cater for.
Today we bravely decided while we were out shopping with the girls that we would have lunch in the restaurant of the garden centre.
It seemed relatively simple, our eldest was ready for it, as were myself and my husband, and our baby wasn’t due her feed for another hour. Timing couldn’t be more perfect!
Yet, we were dealing with two small children, we should have known better.
We could not have predicted that our baby would suddenly develop a dislike to high chairs and uncharacteristically scream as loudly as possible while I was alone with them.
At the same time, we could not have predicted that our eldest would suddenly develop a pretend cry and try to out-scream her sister, again, something she has never, ever done.
We were the family in that restaurant with the loud children that received the pitying stares from other customers, something which, after the lovely, playful morning we’d had, I could not have predicted.
We could not have known that our toddler would need a nappy change right in the middle of lunch, while our food was still nice and hot, and we could not have known that today would be the first day in months that the changing bag would be accidentally left in the car.
All these things are unexpected, yet expected when any of us dare do anything with babies that involves us leaving the house.
However, at the same time, we could not have predicted that our toddler would be the one to tell us that her nappy was full and ask for it to be changed; something which, whilst on the slow road towards toilet training is quite a remarkable achievement.
We could also not have seen the new words and phrases which would be coming out of her mouth. We asked her a question to which her reply was, ‘I don’t know.’ My husband looked at me with a surprised expression and asked me had she said that before. Of course, I think he could tell by my expression that she hadn’t.
Yes, babies are unpredictable, and yes, things happen that we don’t expect, but when I reflect on today it strikes me that everything we didn’t know would happen, good or bad, is shaping who these little girls are.
And the situations we found ourselves in that didn’t make us smile at the time certainly made myself and my husband smile when we spoke about them at the end of the day.
I would say that no matter what happens, how much pride, joy or embarrassment we feel during a given situation, embrace it!
And laugh things off.
Many of those people in that restaurant may have been there themselves and we may have made them remember their own unpredictable children.
But looking back on today, the unpredictable instances that were ‘good’ far outweigh the ones that made us cringe.
Our children make us proud. They are funny, noisy, caring, mischievous, loving and yes, unpredictable. I have realised that every day is different, every day is wonderful and myself and my husband, we are going to try and embrace the unpredictability of each new day!
‘Mummy guilt’
Why is it that whenever I can’t be with one of my girls because I’m seeing to the other one I feel guilty? If I’m changing baby’s nappy and my little girl wants to play, I obviously can’t just stop what I’m doing. Or vice-versa, if I’m getting my little girl washed or changed and baby is crying, even though my gut instinct is to rush immediately to her side, sometimes it’s just not possible and she is left for a few minutes to cry it out. I know I won’t be the only one who feels like this, I suppose the feeling is quite natural, however, I also know that the ‘voice of reason’ in my head is telling me that actually, it’s fine. And I know that it is fine because I can see before me two little girls who can, most of the time, occupy themselves if they have to, who are not ‘needy’ girls, especially if their mummy is busy with something and who understand, as much as their brains will let them that it is ok to play games alone. My eldest daughter’s independence shines through when she’s playing alone and occasionally doesn’t even want adult intervention even if it’s offered. On a recent visit to our health visitor this was noticed and my little girl was praised for her prolonged interest in a certain solo-activity. And when I think about parents with three, four or even five children, I realise that there is no way every single child can be entertained every single minute of every single day. What’s happening is ok, these two daughters of ours are ok, I guess it’s just a case of ‘mummy-guilt’ striking again!
Blessed!
This morning I read an article online.
A tragic story of a mother’s pain when discovering, one day before her due date that her little boy had died.
It was unavoidable, sudden and completely heart-breaking! He was born the very next day, when he should have been, and he was born sleeping.
I sat there reading with my six-month old on my knee and the tears began to stream down my face. Exhausted, worn out after a terrible night due to my teething baby, I cradled her in my arms and didn’t ever want to let go.
I had been grumpy during the night, snapping at my husband who was equally tired and playing the victim just because I wasn’t getting the right amount of sleep. But my baby, my second daughter who now sat before me with the most beautiful, beaming smile had needed me to ease her pain. And no matter how tired I was, no matter how weak or rubbish I felt, my little angel was here, in my arms, and after reading about this poor woman’s pain and anguish, I felt utterly blessed!
There will always be good days and bad days when it comes to raising children, surely every mother at some point feels as low as I did this morning. But the article I held before my eyes was only one of dozens of stories that circulate the media every day, many of which I had previously read, many of which had reduced me to tears.
I know that I will not always have huge amounts of energy, I know that there will be many more sleepless nights ahead of me and my husband will endure more of my short-tempered comments. I won’t pretend that life will always be rosy and that I will never feel grumpy again, we have two children, we are going to be busy!
However, what I do know, what I promised myself this very morning as my little bundle of wide-eyed innocence stared intently at my sleepy face, is that no matter how I feel or how these children behave, I have them, they are here and they are mine. They need me completely, regardless of my mood, and whatever each day brings, whatever we celebrate, struggle through, laugh at or endure, my babies will know every single day that I love them with every ounce of my being, and I will thank God for the precious little girls that He has placed in my care.
Reading of losses such as the one I came across this morning is heart-breaking, many parents across the world are going through turmoil, and while I can’t pretend that I will never again complain, I can say with absolute certainty that I will wake up a little happier each day and go to bed each night with a fuller heart, all because of my little family.
I am extremely blessed. I have my loving husband and my two baby girls. I will never take that for granted!
To wash or to watch … ?
Picture the scene; its weekend, the sun is shining, my husband and I are in the garden with our two children, the toddler (Miss C) is running around and our baby (little Miss A) is sitting on a blanket.
I have a lovely opportunity to sit on the blanket with her, to enjoy the sunshine, to relax in the fresh air and make the most of a bit of peace.
So what do I do?
Hang the washing out.
It’s like a race, a sense of urgency rushes over me the minute I spot a bit of blue sky and I absolutely cannot rest until I know I am making the most of the weather.
And once the clothes are on the line I then rush around to get the next lot in the machine in the hope that they, too, will be done and hung out before the sun disappears.
It doesn’t seem to matter to me that nothing has been washed in two days because of the terrible weather and limited indoor drying space, it doesn’t seem to register with me that one more day probably wouldn’t hurt. No, the sun is shining, we are all outside, and my first thought is of housework.
I need to make a change.
Of course these jobs are important, of course they need doing and of course I want to be organised enough for my family. It is my job, I enjoy looking after them and they deserve no less than a well-kept house and clean clothes, but as important as it is, none of it matters more than quality time spent with them and none of it should have me racing away instead of sitting outside and enjoying my loved ones.
Something inside is trying to tell me that time sitting is time wasted, especially when it already seems as if there aren’t enough hours in the day. I am going to ignore that little voice.
I am going to turn it around and program myself to believe that it is actually ok to sit and do ‘nothing’, because ‘nothing’ in this case is sharing in moments that will all too soon be gone. ‘Nothing’ today means laughing with my little girls as they explore new surroundings, new experiences, as they get used to the sun shining on their little faces. ‘Nothing’ means picking flowers, looking at aeroplanes, eating fresh fruit and feeling the grass tickle our feet.
From now on, if an opportunity such as this one presents itself, which probably happens most days (minus the sunshine), I am going to put down the washing basket, turn off the taps, stop folding and sweeping and let my living room become awash with toys, and I am going to enjoy my children.
As a family of four I am going to allow us to be just that, ‘a family of four’, especially on days when my husband isn’t at work. Don’t get me wrong, we do things together all the time and each of us plays with our children, even if it’s while the other one gets stuff done, but instead of racing towards the next job that doesn’t ‘need’ doing apart from in my head, I am going to race towards them.
Housework can and will wait, my children growing up will not!
Off we go …
Where do I begin? I am completely new to this whole ‘blogging thing’, but I am certainly not new to writing! So, I thought I’d take a leap of faith and go for it. My name is Catherine and I am a mother of two absolutely beautiful (I’m not biased – honestly!) little girls. My eldest is two and my youngest is six-months. My passion for writing became overshadowed by my new-found love of motherhood, so I combined the two and decided to start a blog. Writing about being a mummy and about my gorgeous girlies seems to come more naturally to me than anything I’ve ever written about. I hope my ‘mummy thoughts’ will be an interesting read to someone out there. 🙂 xx
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